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Deviant for 6 Years
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Field report: Day 14. we go...
I...I think I'm...I'm starting to have feelings for Mark.

I mean, I think I kinda saw it coming. Since the beginning.
He is very special for me. For the past 3 years I've learn more and more about him. And I've discovered that underneath his emotionless face there's a very sweet guy, almost as emotionally fragile as I am.
We've developed a lot of trust. He's my confident, and as far as I know, I'm his confident too. He claims that he can be himself while I'm around.
 Why is he so special for me? Well, things like the way we talk, the fact that we talk almost every day (even when he has told many times that he kinda forgets to reply to a lot of people), and one of the strongest reasons...the fact that I can hug him without hesitation. That's something that I never do with other male friends. Every time we see each other, the first thing that happens is that he just spreads his arms and I run to them.
I don't usually do that, only with my closest friends (and they're mostly girls, so it's ok). But Mark is the only guy I can hug.
And every time we hug, I just don't want it to be over. It feels so warm and nice. And I think he actually likes it too, because he doesn't do anything to cut it off (unless he's on a hurry or something).
That time after we watched The Force Awakens, I gave him a little present, a little Darth Maul figure, and he just hugged me so hard. It felt eternal, an eternal hug. My heart started pounding for the first time in forever. What was that feeling? Why did I felt so happy while he was hugging me? Is this love what I'm feeling? It's been too long since I felt love, and now I can't recognize it?

But the thing is... no matter how nice those hugs feel, no matter how close we are...that's never gonna happen.

He's got already a girlfriend, and I'm sure that he doesn't feel the same way that I feel for him. I can't tell if he does or doesn't like guys (he told me once that he had a crush on Ryan Gosling...and, well, I can't blame him...I had a crush on Ewan But even if he's into guys...he wouldn't find me attractive at all. I'm not attractive, not for men, not for women, not for any single life form in this god forsaken universe.

I'm destined to spend the rest of my days alone, seeing him having a good time with his girlfriend, and not only him, but whoever I may have a crush on. Everyone having fun with their loved ones, and I'm just sitting on a corner eating chips and drinking beer.
I'm not good enough for anyone, I'm not relationship material apparently. But I'm a good slave. I was already sold as a slave once.

So, my only hope to find someone is by surrendering into an abusive relationship, being used as a slave.

I'm not meant to be loved, I'm meant to be used.


Former Soviet, graphic designer, illustrator, photographer and more.

I'm constantly seeking for redemption from my previous mistakes and sins, and always ready to improve and become the best at what I do.


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EvaAvatarKorra Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Also thanks for the fav!!!
Sarasa224 Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you for the fave on ''The Struggle of an Unstable Mind''. :)
Shadow0151 Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2017
Thanks for the Fav!!!
666Disturbed666 Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2017  New Deviant Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you.
Imaginary-Alchemist Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
*Nondescript thank you comment*
great-disaster Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2017  Hobbyist Artist
TheCentipede Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the favorite on the Sulaco II.
EvaAvatarKorra Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2017  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for faving!
Vash711 Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2017
Thanks for the watch. Have a Llama.
EvaAvatarKorra Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2017  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for faving!!!
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