Field report: Day 14.
Well...here we go...
I...I think I'm...I'm starting to have feelings for Mark.
I mean, I think I kinda saw it coming. Since the beginning.
He is very special for me. For the past 3 years I've learn more and more about him. And I've discovered that underneath his emotionless face there's a very sweet guy, almost as emotionally fragile as I am.
We've developed a lot of trust. He's my confident, and as far as I know, I'm his confident too. He claims that he can be himself while I'm around.
Why is he so special for me? Well, things like the way we talk, the fact that we talk almost every day (even when he has told many times that he kinda forgets to reply to a lot of people), and one of the strongest reasons...the fact that I can hug him without hesitation. That's something that I never do with other male friends. Every time we see each other, the first thing that happens is that he just spreads his arms and I run to them.
I don't usually do that, only with my closest friends (and they're mostly girls, so it's ok). But Mark is the only guy I can hug.
And every time we hug, I just don't want it to be over. It feels so warm and nice. And I think he actually likes it too, because he doesn't do anything to cut it off (unless he's on a hurry or something).
That time after we watched The Force Awakens, I gave him a little present, a little Darth Maul figure, and he just hugged me so hard. It felt eternal, an eternal hug. My heart started pounding for the first time in forever. What was that feeling? Why did I felt so happy while he was hugging me? Is this...is this love what I'm feeling? It's been too long since I felt love, and now I can't recognize it?
But the thing is... no matter how nice those hugs feel, no matter how close we are...that's never gonna happen.
He's got already a girlfriend, and I'm sure that he doesn't feel the same way that I feel for him. I can't tell if he does or doesn't like guys (he told me once that he had a crush on Ryan Gosling...and, well, I can't blame him...I had a crush on Ewan McGregor...lol). But even if he's into guys...he wouldn't find me attractive at all. I'm not attractive, not for men, not for women, not for any single life form in this god forsaken universe.
I'm destined to spend the rest of my days alone, seeing him having a good time with his girlfriend, and not only him, but whoever I may have a crush on. Everyone having fun with their loved ones, and I'm just sitting on a corner eating chips and drinking beer.
I'm not good enough for anyone, I'm not relationship material apparently. But I'm a good slave. I was already sold as a slave once.
So, my only hope to find someone is by surrendering into an abusive relationship, being used as a slave.
I'm not meant to be loved, I'm meant to be used.